"I wish there was a way to know you were in the good old days before you actually left them."
– Andy Bernard, a fictional character
Those were the days of vacuuming and forgetting to take my multivitamins in the apartment where we lived, just south of Hollywood. When our closet was so full to the brim with clothing to donate and comedy props that we could hardly fit the vacuum cleaner in it (so usually, we just left it out).
It was the apartment we planted our pale winter selves in, and blossomed into full color—pink panther walls, a marigold couch, rainbow rugs stitched together with goldenrod yarn. It was the space that held my lowest lows, where I said “I hate myself” out loud for the first time and meant it. It was also home to a wild creativity, pure-hearted house rabbits, and a deep and growing love.
The IKEA dining table I didn’t like became the platform for a journaling habit that brought me back to myself. That had me saying “I like myself” for the first time, and meaning it. All those college-lined notebooks are now alive, bleeding with ink, because of the time I spent at that table. It was the table we played games on, fought at, filed taxes on, and it was sitting there when I got that call that my grandfather had passed in the night.
Those were the years we filled our minds with lines from the television, we gathered with our funniest friends and made loud jokes late into the night together. The chalky walls still hold the dust of laughter from people I love most. Tucked away in that apartment, I felt seen, and that my reason for being was finally essential.
What will I think of this time when it’s gone? What about the clutter and the chaos will I miss? Those things that I feel warmth for in my past lives, can I remember to catch them as they happen now, before they become memories?
Or will I only love these days after they’re done?
Next Steps: Drink a glass of water, sit on your floor with your hands outstretched on the wood floor and thank it for supporting you all this time.
Why am I crying about an IKEA table now