*I’d like to note that I don’t always want to write things about the pandemic. This isn’t a “pandemic project”—it’s a writing project I’d been thinking about for a long time and that happened to come about during a pandemic (believe me, if you’d like). So, just know. I don’t plan to make this a habit. It just worked out this way today <3
I spent the day with my feelings.
We wandered around the block, hand in hand, and cried at the smell of jasmine permeating through our face masks. We snuggled a small pet rabbit and our inhales were joy in its purest form. We moved through rage and inspiration and sadness and true contentment all before lunchtime.
When I felt tapped out, I tried to avoid my feelings by scrolling through pink sapphire rings and fine bone china on auction sites, searching for rose chintz mugs. But my feelings were there, watching as I soothed myself with pictures of items I would never buy. Waiting. Always waiting for my return.
The world, it sometimes seems, tells me to ignore these feelings. To wield positivity like a weapon against the complex things that contradict it. To sacrifice myself for the sake of a happy home, a happy conversation, a happy journal full of happy things. If, without a shred of loss, you can create these things for yourself on a constant and enduring basis—I’m delighted to send you on your joyful path. Godspeed. Carry me in your heart, and I will you.
As for me, and maybe for others, the portrait of a happy heart is articulated with a broad palette. It’s a hundred layers and counting of vibrant and dull acrylics, glitter glue, scraps of newspaper and glossy magazines, bits of yarn and small beads. Each time I shellac it, saying “this is done,” I find a new medium and can’t help but begin to layer again.
After a long day in the sun with those feelings, I laid on linen sheets and listed my realizations. One was this: My greatest goal is to have a rich internal life. I want to feel. I want to grapple and grit my teeth and wring my hands, yelling questions onto notebook paper, like the cosmos is college-lined.
I want all of it.
Today’s Reminder:
There is day, and there is night. But each hour brings a new sun and new shadows: in the face of duality, look closer. There is beauty in the nuance.
Next Steps: Drink a glass of water, think of how many feelings you’ve moved through today already. Acknowledge them, name them, thank them.
Can you social distance from your feelings?