Moving the needle when you're lost in a haystack
Every time I envision rest, I end up thinking about progress.
I’m still thinking about rest.
But inevitably, as I wade through my thoughts on the concept, I arrive at this question: “what can I move the needle on right now?” And I’m pretty sure that is not rest.
Instead, it’s the haunting of a well-known ghost who tells me I am only as valuable as my output. She clatters around in my mind as I try to sleep, rattling off all the things I didn’t do. She hums in my ear in the mornings, inviting me to skip those things that make me feel nice in favor of something “productive” like unloading the dishwasher or financially planning for my retirement.
It’s been nearly four months of repeating the same phrase: you do not have to be productive in a pandemic. And those words feel more and more like false comfort. Should I have written that pilot? Should I have shared my poem about periods? (Heh, someday, I hope you’ll be just as mortified and delighted by it as I am).
Those words, basically, are beginning to feel like an excuse. I’m treading water, but I’m not ready to swim to shore yet. I’m not ready for the hugs and the AirBnBs and the BBQs—hell, my neighbor offered me a double high five and what was I supposed to do? The instant our hands touched, I broke into a cold sweat that drenched me in regret. Was it truly as bad as my body told me it was, or was it okay to reconnect?
A singular double high-five is not a rallying call for a return to productivity, but it does feel symbolic. Like if it’s okay to celebrate with both hands, it must be time once again to use both hands in service of creation. Of moving that godforsaken needle. Some days I’m ready, most days I am not.
Everyone’s winnowing the chaff of fearfulness from the grains of practicality right now. (Is this another bread reference? Pull it TOGETHER, Emily.) I mostly want to know if there’s a world in which analyzing the appropriateness of high-fives could be considered productive.
Are you renewing your subscription to “no productivity in a pandemic,” or are you embarking on writing your magnum opus?
I’m still not sure.
Next Steps: Drink a glass of water, do something insignificant that makes you feel pulled together, and take a significant look at the months ahead. Who do you need yourself to be right now?