A morning meditation đ§ââď¸
My morning meditation was punctuatedâ
or puncturedâby the staccato snare of
quitâquitâquit. Quit running, quit
meditating, quit eating anything other
than Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
Itâs where my mind goes when I lapse
on a good habit; I decide itâs no longer
worth keeping. But today my mind
cleared itâs throat and spoke in response:
breatheâbreatheâbreathe.
For no good reason, Iâm transported from capitulation
to Payless Shoes by the Target on Stellhorn Road,
in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Iâm 15 and getting my first
pair of knockoff Converse; theyâre too small
but theyâre on sale. And there is joy, and quiet,
and endless possibility ahead of me. As long
as I breathe, and as long as I stop quitting
before I begin.
The âyou should give upâ energy is no joke, and if youâre like me itâs difficult to stand firmly against. Iâve been reframing my coping mechanisms as âalternativesâ instead of desperate and mindless mistakes. For example, when I feel overwhelmed, I actively choose to play a video game with the explicit purpose of restâa proactive mechanism, as it were. I feel productive, positive, and capable, all while resting and pausing just a tad bit of judgment.